T H O U G H T / stop to heal
Why do you spend so much time apart from your husband? How does it work? Don’t you miss each other? What’s the point? Aren’t you sad? Doesn’t it get lonely? How often do you see each other? When will you live together like a 'normal couple'?
People often ask me about my relationship and marriage to Mr G and I can understand why our arrangements cause confusion and invite intrigue. The main reason that we have spent far more time apart than together over the last eight years is primarily due to our careers; predominantly his. However, sometimes there are other reasons and as yoga becomes an increasingly bigger and more important aspect of my life I also believe that ‘intentional' time apart in order to pursue ‘unconventional work’ is healthy for our relationship.
when viewed from an objective, logical viewpoint it seems entirely unreasonable to expect all things from one soul
People place expectations upon their partner. This is completely natural. We expect them to make us feel loved, confident, sexy, funny, secure… the list is endless. This can place a lot of pressure on each person and sometimes creates problems when we demand passion, excitement, fun, creativity, curiosity and then also security, comfort, loyalty, predictability and contentment. This is a paradox, no? When viewed from an objective, logical viewpoint it seems entirely unreasonable to expect all things from one soul.
In forging expectations we also create finite personas for those we love, confining their behaviour, interests and personality to a predefined idea of how they have behaved and what they have thought previously. We quickly judge one other when we act out of character or when we display signs of change. People, their personalities, their interests, their values, their dreams, their priorities etc. naturally change during the course of our relatively short lives.
It is my belief that relationships can ‘break’ when we act from a place of fear. Fear that in allowing one another to go live for some time alone out in the world, 'permitting' space and time for your loved one to grow personally, spiritually, emotionally and mentally will lead to the realisation that maybe they do not need you and the relationship anymore. And so we spend as much time together as possible, pass judgment on those who sometimes travel alone, those who do not speak daily, those who experiment and explore their curiosities without their partner by their side.
Friends who have known me personally for some time will know that I used to fear allowing Mr G the space, freedom and time to live for himself. I feared losing him. I feared that one day he would realise that he no longer needed me in his life. I feared that he would meet someone else who would make him happier. I acted irrationally. I was suffocating him from a place of fear. This fear renders you irrational, erratic, oft scary and suffocating, needy and this, unsurprisingly, is not conducive for happiness and growth, nor is it sexy and attractive. It places strain on the relationship and leads to resentment, bitterness and unhappiness.
Relationships also often face challenges and difficulties. Despite love, compassion, security, kindness and support a person can become broken; a shadow of their former selves (which is no bad thing but that’s a whole different topic right there). In order to survive personally, and for the sake of the relationship, that broken soul must heal. Time, space and freedom are required during the healing process.
In allowing your partner the time...
- the space and the freedom to grow personally,
- to discover more about themselves,
- to heal,
- to reconnect with their soul,
- to pursue opportunities that can often conflict with your busy schedule and career demands,
- to be curious,
- to live to their own rhythm,
- to meet new people,
- to experience new things,
- to follow their own heart and expand their interests, opinions and values,
they not only benefit and grow personally but also (and is often the case) for the mutual good of their of the relationship.
we shall always return to one another, sharing our authentic selves and pursuing the ‘right’ path together.
And if one day Mr G no longer needs me in his life, if another soul can make me happier, if we are no longer compatible then the beauty of our union has ran it’s course. This is not to say that it would not be painful and messy but at least during the time that we choose to be each others ‘mate', we cultivated respect, admiration, love, passion, curiosity, friendship, laughter, interest, personal and collective growth and that is far better than building a relationship upon fear.
Whilst we may have spent more time apart than together of late (and recent years) I have faith that for as long as we grow stronger and happier individually we shall always return to one another, sharing our authentic selves and pursuing the ‘right’ path together.
Despite the foreign lands and vast oceans that lie between us right now, I am grateful for my space and have grown immensely. I am no longer weak, broken, sad and lacklustre. I have cultivated an overwhelming love and enthusiasm for life, excitement for the journey in life ahead, a deep connection with my soul and enormous gratitude for all the people, opportunities and freedom that I have experienced and enjoyed over the last two months. I have so much more to give and cannot wait for Mr G to arrive here in Agonda!